Why forgive? Isn’t that just setting yourself up for someone to hurt you again? And the person/entity that wronged you may not deserve forgiveness. . .

 The truth is, most often those who have wronged us do not think about us much at all – they are on to the next thing, while we are the ones reliving the hurt each time we think about what happened. Numerous studies show that those who have been victimized are at greater risk for chronic pain problems. Again, the studies show there are health benefits to forgiveness, and we have seen some profound effects in our pain patients who have done this work. Thus, we do not forgive for the sake of those who have wronged us, we forgive for our own health and peace of mind.

 The steps as outlined by Luskin (and starred as Connie has found them particularly powerful) are:

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. ****Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

****Imagine you have a remote control; if your TV is stuck on the grievance channel, you have the power to change channels, to direct your attention to the positive things in your life.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive. ****You can change the story from including you as a victim to another story that has you as the hero overcoming obstacles but continuing on a positive quest.

-Fred Luskin, from Forgive For Good