There are a number of factors that can affect communication. The first thing to emphasize is that communication is a 2-way street: you express your thoughts and feelings openly and directly, and you encourage the other person to express his or her thoughts and feelings. The ideas and feelings of both people are important.

Listening skills

No amount of eloquence will allow communication with someone who is not open to it, and few people will be open to what we want to say if we are not listening to/sensitive to them. Often openness can be affected by timing, setting, and so on; for an important conversation, “Is this a good time?” should be one of the first questions. A couple other suggestions for listening skills to develop are:

Disarming: You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you feel convinced that what they are saying is completely wrong, unreasonable, irrational, or unfair.

Empathy: You put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes.

Thought empathy: You paraphrase the other person’s words.

Feeling empathy: You acknowledge how they’re probably feeling, given what they are saying to you.

Inquiry: You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Self-expression Skills
It is important to be clear, before initiating a request or a conversation, what our goal is for that communication. Do we simply want a chance to vent/be heard? Do we want a particular response from the other person? If we communicate this goal clearly early in the conversation, we are more likely to get what we want. For instance, with a visit to the doctor, are you interested in having them hear about a symptom because you are afraid something is seriously wrong and want testing to be sure you do not have cancer, because you feel medication needs to be adjusted, or just because you want them to be updated on your current status? If you start the conversation with “I am worried that something new is happening in my back” you are likely to get a different response than if you start with “I wonder if we could try something different because my medication does not seem to be lasting through the night.” Communicating our needs.

During a disagreement, these tools can often be helpful:

1. Stroking: You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. This indicates that you respect the other person, even though you may be angry with each other. It is often helpful to make a “sandwich,” where you place the “meat,” the difficult portion of the conversation, between two pieces of “white bread,” or strokes.
an example: “I really appreciate how hard you have been working to keep me comfortable, especially with how busy you are. I still feel worried about the clutter in the hallway and the possibility of falling when I am going to the bathroom, and I need to ask you again not to leave your backpack and jacket there. I know it will be more work for you to put them in the living room, and I am truly grateful for your extra effort.”

2. “I feel” statements. You express your feelings with “I feel” statements (such as “I feel upset”) rather than with “you” statements (such as “You’re wrong” or “You’re making me furious”).

There are also some predictable patterns of bad communication to be recognized and avoided:
Truth – You insist that you are “right” and the other person is “wrong.”

Blame – You say that the problem is the other person’s fault.

Martyrdom – You claim that you’re an innocent victim.

Put-down – You imply that the other person is a loser because he or she “always” or “never” does certain things.

Hopelessness – You give up and insist there’s no point in trying.

Demandingness – You say you’re entitled to better treatment but you refuse to ask for what you want in a direct, straightforward way.

Denial – You insist that you don’t feel angry, hurt, or sad when you really do.

Passive Aggression – You pout or withdraw or say nothing. You may storm out of the room or slam doors.

Self-blame – Instead of dealing with the problem, you act as if you’re an awful, terrible person.

Helping – instead of hearing how depressed, hurt, or angry the other person feels, you try to “solve the problem” or “help” him or her.

Sarcasm – your words or tone of voice convey tension or hostility which you aren’t openly acknowledging.

Scapegoating – You suggest that the other person has “a problem” and that you’re sane, happy, and uninvolved in the conflict.

Defensiveness – You refuse to admit any wrong-doing or imperfection.

Counterattack – Instead of acknowledging how the other person feels, you respond to their criticism by criticizing them.

Diversion – Instead of dealing with how you both feel in the here-and-now, you list grievances about past injustices.